Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Emotional intelligence is a difficult thing to measure, can be improved upon, and is better measure of
success than IQ.
Some guy almost got eaten by a shark and in this experience his emotions took over and prevented him
from acting like he wanted to. He was a victim to his emotions. This is because thoughts travel through
the limbic system, the unconscious emotional part of the brain, then travel through the frontal cortex,
the rational thinking part of the brain. In very intense situations, like getting attacked by a shark, it is
very difficult to fight through the flood of emotions and to think rationally.
Most people, 64% are unable “to accurately identify their emotions as they happen.” The five core
emotions this book identifies are: Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and shame. These emotions can
come in different levels of intensity, but we are constantly experiencing emotions. You will always
experience an emotional reaction to an event, but you can always control your thoughts and your
reaction to that emotional reaction.
Cognitive intelligence, IQ, is set and cannot be changed, except in traumatic events. Emotional
Intelligence, EQ, can be changed with effort. Personality is your “style” and like IQ, it cannot be changed.
The combination of these three traits help to explain why a person acts like they do. EQ “accounts for
58% of performance in all types of jobs.” “90% of high performers have high EQ. “As a result, people
with high EQ make more money. So now you can justify paying Talent Smart lots of money to help you
improve your EQ.
Remember that your brain can change, so practicing these EQ techniques will literally change your brain
and make it easier to do these things long term as they become habits.
EQ can be split up into 2 categories each having 2 subcategories. There is personal competency, which is
determined by self-awareness and self-management, and there is social competency, which is
determined by social awareness and relationship management. The rest of the book is split up into 4
sections to discuss each subcategory in more detail.
Self-Awareness
“Self-awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions and understand your
tendencies…” To understand your emotions, you must spend enough time thinking about and feeling
your emotions. It is also very important to realize and understand your own emotional mistakes and
reflect on them to understand what you should do differently next time. This thinking and feeling will
cause your self-awareness to increase as you start to understand why you do and feel the things you do.
Once you develop self-awareness, each other part of EQ will improve as well, and it will be easier to
improve on the other areas as well. Self-awareness is a continuous journey and will prevent emotions
from resurfacing when you do not expect them. Below are the strategies for improving self-awareness.
 Quit treating your feelings as good or bad
o Judging emotions keeps you from fully understanding them. Good or bad, hard to say; a
Taoist parable.

 Observe the ripple effect of your emotions
o Who else is affected by your emotions. Even those not directly impacted are affected.
Watch to see how wide the ripples are.

 Learn from your discomfort
o Do not avoid your discomfort, this will result in the emotion coming back at an
unexpected time. The discomfort it not as bad as your mind makes it seems and you can
learn from this discomfort.
 Feel your emotions physically
o When you are in a calm space notice how your body is, heart rate, breathing, muscle
tenseness, body temp, etc. Then think of a negative event in enough detail that you
start to feel your body change. Then come back to the neutral relaxed reality. Then do
the same for a positive event. Take note of these changes so you can better understand
how you are reacting in the real world. You are likely going to be physically aware
before you are mentally aware.
 Know who and what pushes your buttons
o Understand the people, situations, and environments that push your buttons.
Understanding this will prevent this button pushing from surprising you. From
understanding what you can start to understand why. This will help you have better
responses.
 Watch yourself like a hawk
o Look at yourself from a hawk’s perspective. Be an objective observer. Slow down and
allow your brain to gather all the data before reacting. The Dalai Lama, who has a quote
on the front of this book, would also urge you to see things from even more
perspectives such as; the perspective of the other person, the future, the past, and
more.

 Keep a journal about your emotions
o Record what events triggered your emotions and your response to these emotions. Also
record your physical responses. This will help you improve on the previous 3 points.

 Don’t be fooled by a bad mood
o Understand you are stuck in a bad mood and remember this when making decisions.
Remember that it will pass.
 Don’t be fooled by a good mood
o Understand you are stuck in a good mood and remember this when making decisions.
 Stop and ask yourself why you do the things you do
o This is related to journaling about emotions. Asking yourself why you do things will help
you trace your emotions back to its origin and will help you understand why you felt this
emotion.
 Visit your values
o Take a piece of paper and write down your values on one side and your reactions you
feel negatively about on the other. Why is the misalignment? What could have you done
differently?
 Check yourself

o Check your physical appearance and understand what it is saying to others.
 Spot emotions in books, movies, and music
o Watch for things that resonate with you. These may be emotions that you are having a
difficult time expressing.

 Seek Feedback
o You do not see the world as it is. Understanding how others view the world, and in this
case you, can help shape your view for the better and sometimes allow you to see more
of the world/you. When asking for feedback, get specific examples and situations.

 Get to know yourself under stress
o Is your body crying out for a break? Are you listening?

Self-Management
Self-management is using your self-awareness to chose how you react to a situation. This is difficult to
apply to many situations and not fading over time. “Real results come from putting your momentary
needs on hold to pursue larger, more important goals.” You cannot simply choose to not react,
otherwise, like a volcano, you will explode. You can only choose to respond to an emotion if you know
what emotion you are feeling. High self-management will prevent you from experiencing emotional
hijacking. Below are the strategies for improving self-management.
 Breath Right
o Take a deep breath to flood your body with oxygen. This may help calm you down as
well.

 Create an Emotion vs. Reason List
o When your emotions and reason are not aligned, draw a line down a piece of paper and
write what your emotions are telling you to do on one side and reason on the other. Ask
where emotions are clouding reason and why are you ignoring some emotions. Then
decide which side should have more say.

 Make your Goals Public
o Use others and their opinions of you to keep you accountable.
 Count to 10
o All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. Allow your
frontal cortex to catch up and flood your brain with oxygen.

 Sleep on it
o Time helps you gain perspective and allows you to better control your emotions.
Dreaming can also help.
 Talk to a Skilled Self-Manager
o Talk about your goals and ask them for tactics they use. Write down things you will do
then meet with them again.

 Smile and Laugh More

o Smiling is one of the ways you can win friends and influence people according to Dale
Carnegie. Smiling and laughing will also help you feel better. Find what makes you smile
and laugh ad use it when necessary.
 Set Aside Some Time in your Day for Problem Solving
o Take a break to think
 Take Control of Your Self-Talk
o The average person has 50,000 thoughts each day. It is easy to not realize that this
constant thinking is occurring and affecting your mood. Change (always, never) into
(sometimes, this time). Don’t judge, just state facts. Accept responsibility for your
actions and only your actions.
 Visualize Yourself Succeeding
o Be like Russel Wilson. Your brain has a difficult time perceiving the difference between
what you see and what you visualize. Use this to your advantage to help build habits and
feel better about yourself.
 Clean Up Your Sleep Hygiene
o Sleep better. Get sunlight before noon, no blue light for 2 hours before bed, only sleep
in your bed, avoid caffeine.

 Focus Your Attention on Your Freedoms, Rather than Your Limitations
o Change your perspective.
 Stay Synchronized
o If you are managing your emotions, your body language will match your emotional tone.
If you notice you lack control of your body language, you are likely not controlling your
emotions.

 Speak to Someone Who is NOT Emotionally Invested in Your Problem
o This will widen your perspective. It may be frustrating in the sort term but is worth it in
the long term.

 Learn a Valuable Lesson from Everyone You Encounter
o Acting like everyone has something to teach you will allow you to be more flexible, open
minded, and less stressed. Think from their perspective and compare to your own and
see what you learn.

 Put a Mental Recharge into Your Schedule
o Use physical activity as a mental recharge. Yoga, gardening, waking, and other low stress
activities are also good options.
 Accept That Change is Just Around the Corner
o Understand all that is out of your control and take time to think about what would
happen if something were to change. How would you react? Thinking about this can
help you to prepare for a significant change.

Social Awareness

Social awareness is your ability to read the emotions of others. Using this allows you to react in a more
productive way. To build this you will need to observe others from near and far. Understanding body
language, facial expressions, postures, and tone and speed of voice are crucial. Below are the strategies
for improving social awareness.
 Greet People by Name
o Another section inspired by Dale “Their name is the most important word to them.” “It
is a personal and meaningful way to engage someone.” Remembering names is a
memorization activity that can be worked at. Use their name at least twice in the initial
conversation. Also use creativity to memorize something creative that will help you
remember their name and attach that memory to their face.

 Watch Body Language
o Read their body language looking at their entire body. I suggest What Everybody is
Saying by Joe Navarro over this section.

 Make Timing Everything
o Ask yourself questions, think from the other person’s perspective, and visualize the
response.

 Develop a Back-Pocket Question
o Have an appropriate question that will spark conversation in your back pocket incase a
conversation ends up in a lull.
 Don’t Take Notes at Meetings
o When you are taking notes, you lose the ability to ready people’s physical reactions and
only hear what they are saying. It also causes you to multitask. You will be more
engaged if you sit, listen, and watch.

 Plan Ahead for Social Gatherings
o Planning allows your brain to be freer to allow you to be in the present. Write down
who is coming, what talking points will be, and visualize. This will allow you to have a
better time and the others there will enjoy their interactions with you more.

 Clear Away the Clutter
o Focus on them to stop your internal voice, listen to them instead of thinking of your
response, make sure they are completely finished before you start talking.

 Live in the Moment
o Live in the present and practice mindfulness.
 Go on a 15 Minute Tour
o Each day take a different 15 minute tour of your life. Watch the other people, what they
are doing, and what the mood is. Focus on what is happening and just observe, do not
judge.

 Watch EQ at the Movies

o Movies are better than real life because you can stare, you are not emotionally invested,
and there are fewer distractions. When watching movies, observe character interaction,
relationships, and conflicts. Watch the non-verbal cues. Rewind to previous sections to
see what about the characters and relationships you missed the first time.

 Practice the Art of Listening
o Listening requires focus on what is being said, tone, volume, and speed. Remove
distractions and focus only on listening.

 Go People Watching
o Go somewhere socially acceptable to people watch, coffee shop, mall, airport, etc. Use
people’s nonverbal communication to guess their emotions, mood, feelings, and
thoughts.

 Understand the Rules of the Culture Game
o In any new environment whether office, house, state, or country, observe and learn to
understand what is and is not acceptable. Also ask questions that will help you further
understand. Treat others how they want to be treated (stolen from The Platinum Rule).

 Test for Accuracy
o When you cannot read a situation, or you notice content and actions not matching, ask
a tactful question to better understand the situation. This will help you to determine
where you are missing something and if you are making assumptions incorrectly.

 Step into Their Shoes
o If I were ( ), how would I react to this? Use past knowledge of the person to help you
understand what their answer would be. If you are comfortable enough, ask the person
or watch them in a similar situation.

 Seek the Whole Picture
o You can pay Talent Smart a lot of money to allow others to share their opinions of you
to help you see the whole picture instead of just your perspective of it. Otherwise you
can just ask others.
 Catch the Mood of the Room
o Once you can read individuals, you are ready to begin the challenge of reading an entire
room. Watch for emotions to spread across the room and notice if people are
interacting with each other, if people are looking at you or did not notice you walk in. If
you are unsure you can bring another person who is good at this to help you by
comparing ideas after you leave the room. Watching for and understanding shifts will
help you to better deal with the room of people.

Relationship Management
Relationship management involves using your own knowledge, awareness, and control of your own
emotions as well as understanding the emotions of others to manage interactions successfully.
Relationships are built over time based on how you understand people, how you treat them, and the
history you share. The stronger a relationship, the easier it is to get someone to do something for you.
The difference between an interaction and a relationship is frequency. Stress is the biggest challenge for
relationship management. All relationships take work even though some good ones are easy initially.
Below are the strategies for improving social awareness.
 Be Open and Curious
o Being more open with others lessens the change of someone misinterpreting you. You
also need to be curious about others as well. This is the key to starting to form a
relationship with someone.
 Enhance Your Natural Communication Style
o On a piece of paper, identify what your communication style is. Below this split the page
in half and write the positives and negatives of this communication style. Do not be
afraid to ask others for their input. Based on your list, work on your weakest 3 and
remember your strongest 3.
 Avoid Giving Mixed Signals
o Make sure what you say and how you say it match. Not matching this creates confusion
and distrust. If you catch yourself not matching, adjust or explain why.

 Remember the Little Things That Pack a Big Punch
o Say “please” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” more.
 Take Feedback Well
o Feedback it meant to help you see something that you may not be able to see yourself.
Focus to hear exactly what is being said, ask clarifying questions if necessary, and thank
the person for providing the feedback. Use your own judgement on how to react to the
feedback. Taking it seriously will help your relationship.

 Build Trust
o Trust is built slowly over time through open communication; willingness to share;
matching words, actions and behavior; and reliability. Building trust requires time and
trust, so do not worry about trust being built too slowly.

 Have an “Open-Door” Policy
o Allowing anyone to talk to anyone at any level. This should help improve relationships
with others. It can stretch you too thin if you do not have a clearly defined plan and
times.
 Only Get Mad on Purpose
o Anger should not be stifled or ignored, instead it should be managed and used
purposefully to get results and enhance relationships. Make a list of what gets you angry
and to what extent. Determine when you should show this anger. Adjust when based on
others and your reading of the situation.

 Don’t Avoid the Inevitable
o When you need to work with others that you do not like suck it up and do not put it off.
Meet with them early and use the divide and conquer method if possible. Also realize
that you likely bug the other person just as much as they bug you. When you get
annoyed, remember the goal. Also, when you complete the project, look back at what
you have accomplished.
 Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings
o Acknowledge the persons feelings without judging and listen to them and offer support.
 Complement the Person’s Emotions or Situation
o Listen, be present, put yourself in their shoes, identify where they are at emotionally,
and choose an appropriate and complementary response. Focus on noticing moods and
be there in a helpful way.
 When you Care, Show It
o When people do great work, show that you care by giving them a thoughtful physical
gift. Do not put it off. The gift means much more when it is given immediately.

 Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them
o When you need to make decisions, the best thing is to get input from others. The next
best thing is to explain why the decisions have been made and listen to their input. The
worst is to make the change without telling anyone.

 Make Your Feedback Direct and Constructive
o Giving feedback is a relationship building event that requires EQ to be effective.
Feedback is meant to address the problem, not the person. It should be clear, direct,
constructive, and respectful. Think about the person receiving the feedback to
determine how direct you should be. Ask the person their thoughts and thank them for
listening.

 Align Your Intentions with Your Impact
o Think of a situation where your words and actions did not match your intent. On paper,
describe the event, your intentions, your actions, and the actual impact. Write what you
did not understand and what you see looking back. Ask what you missed or what you
could have done differently, asking others for their input as well.

 Offer a “Fix-it” Statement During a Broken Conversation
o When a discussion breaks into a disagreement, it is time to refocus and fix it. Let go of
blame and just focus on resolution. Fix it statements must be made in a neutral tone
and find common ground.
 Tackle a Tough Conversation
o Prepare to take the high road, do not be defensive, and remain open. Remember, if this
goes well it can help strengthen your relationship.
 Start with agreement
 Ask the person to help you understand their side
 Resist the urge to plan a rebuttal
 Help the person understand your side
 Move the conversation forward

 Keep in touch

The Sun Does Shine (Audio book)

The sun does shine is a book about a poor black man in Alabama who is found guilty of 2 murders and is placed on death row for over 20 years. In the book the author shares the racism of the Alabama justice system as well as the need for money to accomplish anything in the justice system. When the author is first put on death row and his appeals are going poorly he shares how he lost faith in God and how he became so negative that he did not talk to anyone other than his family and friends on visiting days. However after 3 years he realized that everything was a choice and his choice to not talk to anyone and to be very negative was also negatively affecting him. Around this time he realized that he could use his imagination to escape death row and be wherever he wanted to be. While on death row he made friends with a man who he later learned was the son of a very high level man in the KKK. He also brought joy to the guards and other prisoners and eventually came up with the idea to start a book club in prison. This club eventually lost all of its members as they were killed by the state of Alabama and the same guards who brought him his breakfast. However the books stayed in the prison and prisoners had book club meetings in their cells shouting from cell to cell. The author's case was finally heard by the supreme court and they unanimously voted that he deserved a new trial. However before the case was tried again, the state of Alabama dropped the case and released him from prison after almost 30 years. However by the time he was released his mom had passed away and he was in his 50s with no money and no retirement savings. However he was able to forgive everyone who wrongly convicted him because otherwise they would still have him trapped if he had not forgiven them. The book was very interesting and seemed much more powerful when being read by the author instead of the voice inside of my head.

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (Audio Book)

If I were to die playing a drinking game it would be taking a drink every time the author used the phrase "does it bring you joy?" This was the way to decide if you should keep something or get rid of it. Her basic idea is that you need to get rid of things that do not bring you joy. She proposes you get rid of things by category starting with clothes, then miscellaneous items, then books, then mementos.  She says to put everything on the floor so you see everything and can see what you have and what excites you and brings joy. After you get rid of 50% or more of things then you should put stuff back. You should do this using vertical storage and avoid stacking at all costs. If you are putting something at the bottom of the stack, do you really need it? How high can your stack get? She also claims you should throw away as many papers as you can. She also treats her things and house similar to how you would treat a person. All items have a role in your life and some roles are to teach you that you do not need things or were not interested in them.

I listened to the audio book and took some of what she said into consideration but did not follow her method. I had a physical copy that I am giving to my parents for Christmas but I plan to steal it from them or get a copy for myself at some point in the near future.

Hillbilly Elegy (Audio book)

This book is about a guy who got out of the rust belt in Kentucky in the Appalachian Mountains and got educated and became a lawyer. His mother was not great and he never had a father and grew up with his grandma. The people he grew up around (hillbillies) had a very difficult time accepting their own flaws.

After WWII, industry tried very hard to get people to leave Appalachia and move north to the factories. The alternative was to stick around and work in a coal mine or other poor jobs. His grandparents left Kentucky and went to Ohio. These hillbillies were not quickly accepted as they were white like the others but had very different culture. All politicians are crooks and not all bad people are rich but all rich people are bad. His grandparents were democrats but did not want to hear the excuses for not being successful. Their children, his parents, should have had a head start because of this move by his grandparents as the family was close to caught us with the native Ohioans by then. Once they had kids his grandpa was a violent alcoholic and his grandma secluded herself from everyone else. However their financial situation was much better than it could have ever been in Hillbilly country. The family matters we family and nothing was shared with others outside of the family. Even if you were family and left the house, you still lost out on hearing about the activities in the house. Two their children were "successful" and two were "failures"; however once the grandparents figured their shit out and grandpa stopped drinking they separated but worked together to help their children and grandchildren. When the author was a child, the town they lived in gradually disintegrated from a proud town to something that resembled the Kentucky towns they came from. Bad neighborhoods have spread from the ghetto to every neighborhoods. This is due to decreasing home values and high expenses of moving. They also started loosing jobs in town due to the steel company ARMCO merging with the Japanese company Kawasaki. The reality is that poor working people work less than college educated people, however the thought is that they work more. People do not realize how lazy they are. Additionally most working class families did not help their children with school, however his grandparents did. Social class is not about money but the desire that your children do better than you did. His grandmother taught him to fight even though she never hit him, except once to show  him how a punch to the face did not hurt too much. She told him the number one rule of fighting was to never start a fight, unless of course you had to to stand up for yourself or someone else, i.e. a kid being bullied. His parents moved away from his grandparents and started fighting. This resulted in dropping grades and getting chubby. This fighting was not new as everyone fought and yelled at each other, however the fighting in his own house was new to him. His mom started drinking and threatened to kill him so he ran away. His mom ended up getting arrested and he started to see the employees of the courts were different from his family but the people there were the same as them. He saw more difference when he visited his uncle in California. He had many half siblings but the one he grew up with, Lindsey, was one of the most adult people he had in his life even though she was not much older than him. His type of religion was not traditional as his grandmother despised organized religion; however it required him to work hard for himself (God helps those who help themselves), take care of your family, forgive, never despair as God has a plan. Him and his sister never learned anything about men besides they disappear due to the revolving door of father figures. His life with fathers eventually came full circle and got back together with her original husband and the author ended up living on a farm with him. Church going people got to church on a regular basis live a happier, longer, and richer life. His father became religious and he started attending church more and more and began to distrust people who did not believe. He also believed he was gay as a child as he preferred the accompany of men than women. His grandma brought him back into reality by asking him if he wanted to suck dick and told him he would still be accepted if he did. When his grandpa died, the funeral was held in both Ohio and in Kentucky. His grandpa protected him, usually with guns, taught his the difference between knowledge and intelligence, and how to treat women. (His grandparents were very concerned about perverts). After his grandpa died, his mom started abusing, instead of just using, prescription drugs and ended up in rehab. As a result his grandma ended up raising her two grandchildren but allowing them to take care of their selves as teenagers. As a result he learned about the underworld of addiction, and again saw people just like him. His mom treated her addiction as a disease, which does have some scientific basis, but this did not help her. All he wanted for his sister was someone who treated her well. At 14 his mom decided he had anger problems and explained his situation, without telling anything that would get his mom in trouble with the law. Having nowhere to turn, he decided to go to his biological dad's house as he saw it as the least bad option. However this did not last and he moved back to his mom's house, which was not a good situation. However she left her boyfriend to get married to a Korean guy. He started struggling in school largely due to his situation living with his mom and started smoking pot. He blames some of this on the fact that he was separated from his sister. When his mom demanded clean urine from him, his grandma decided he should move in with her and follow her 3 rules, get good grades, get a job, and get off your ass and help her. He wanted to escape to Jackson Kentucky but his grandma escaped from Jackson. His grandma loved the Sopranos and the only problem she had with Tony was that he slept around. His grandma bought him a $180 calculator and made him do well in school. He also made friends and got all of his grades up. While working in a grocery store, he learned the class divide of frozen food and baby food and tabs allowed for rich people only. He also saw the abuse of government aid programs. This was the first time he lost faith in the Democratic party and many other white working class people saw these abuses as well. Their neighbor got section 8 housing and looked a lot by them blurring the line between the working and non-working poor. His grandma was all over the place between radical conservative to European socialist. Why was their neighborhood so much different than his fathers? The Truly Disadvantaged by William Julius Wilson talked about what happened when the working poor moved to communities that could not could not sustain the growing population and those who stayed were the really poor. He was writing about black people but was very relative to his life. This book told of the government encouraging social decay with the welfare system. But he questions when people did not leave their abusive partner, why they did drugs, why couldn't they see their effect on their children. The hillbillies all live in a world of irrational behavior resulting in debt and need a bailout. We all yell at each other and hit each other in front of the entire family including the kids. This has a very negative effect on the kids. People cannot hold down a job and use lies as excuses for the behavior. The working class white life expectancy is going down due to diet and lack of exercise. The author was able to see this side of the world with his mom but was fortunate to see the old school hard work of his grandparents with an intact, loving, and stable home. For 7 years, he moved almost every year, had run ins with social services, fighting, new fathers every few months, etc. In 10th - 12th grades he lived alone with his grandma in the same house, got a job, had stability, and developed happiness. He got accepted into Ohio State but he felt he was not ready for the unstructured style of college. So he went and joined the Marines during the Iraq war even though he could not run a mile and did not get up early. His family was happy about it but his grandma never liked the decision but wrote him letters of encouragement every day. He learned a lot about himself when being cut off from his family for the first time in his life. When he graduated boot camp he went back home and learned how people looked at him differently and how he looked at food differently. Her healthcare premium increased so he helped support her, and for the first time he felt the the provider and a real grown up and felt the greatest joy he ever experienced. His grandma had a collapsed lung and they ended up pulling the plug when she showed signs of getting worse. When in Iraq he saw a boy smile like no one he had ever seen when he handed the boy a $0.02 eraser and learned how lucky he really was to grow up with hillbillies who loved him and is still striving to be like that boy with the eraser. The marines teach you how to be an adult and assume zero knowledge of anything and helped control his life throughout his entire day. It also changed the way he thought about himself; made him believe in himself, learn about leadership, allow him to fail but also allowed him to try again. In all, it really taught him that he what his grandma always told him, that he could do anything. He learned how much he undersold himself and how much everyone in the white working class was underselling themselves. After the marines he started classes at Ohio State.

When at Ohio State he was with many people from his home town and saw "brain drain" where all of them left and none planned to go back. He was acing classes and knew he wanted to go to law school. He started working for a man in the Ohio State house and saw politics from a different view. He got a second job as a consultant at a non profit helping abused and neglected children. His mom heard about his condition of over worked, tired, and with mono and a staff infection and took him to the emergency room and took him to her house while he recovered. When he recovered he got a third job but ended up dropping his job in the Ohio State house even though it was his favorite because it paid the least. When he left his senator was fighting for payday loans which helped the author through some difficult financial times. However those in charge did not understand his situation because they had never been there so they were trying to eliminate them as they took advantage of people with their high interest rates. An ignorant dip shit 19 year old bitching about the Iraq war encouraged him to graduate early so he did as quickly as possible and graduated with a double major summa cum laude. He went back home before he started law school. The great recession and the not so great recovery created a great sense of cynicism. There was not a lot to be happy about since most of his areas sense of pride is love of country. There were not many uniting factors for the country. This was like a religion to them. Obama seems like a foreigner as he cannot relate to anyone he grew up with, he is incredibly successful in school, as a speaker. Obama and his wife hit at all of their insecurities. The people do not trust the press because they are full of shit. Many of the white working class are super pessimistic and do not know what to believe as they cannot believe anything. We cannot trust the new, government, college is working against us, jobs are not working. Why should I try? Conservatives are blaming the government for peoples failures so why should they try? The working class whites are the most pessimistic and the only group that less than half believe their children will have a worse life them then. He felt like an alien because of his optimism.


He wanted to go to Yale but did not believe he would get in but applied on line because it was easy. The most expensive the school is, the cheaper it is the poorer you are. If your parents make $30,000 per year, UW schools are $10,000 while UW Madison is $6,000 and Harvard is $2,500. But no one knows this so most go to cheaper schools even though they really are more expensive. Yale made him truly wonder if he really belonged, this was the first time he felt out of place as a tall, straight, white man. Even though Yale is diverse, almost all come from intact well off families. When coming back home, he lied to a stranger about going to Yale to avoid feeling like a trader. The upper class needs to open their hearts and minds to newcomers. There is a very large difference culturally, food, fashion, domestic issues, etc between the working poor and the privileged. The first year at Yale he learned more about how the world works than about law. Going out to a fancy dinner, he realized how ignorant he was about expensive dinner. After his first year at Yale he learned how the white collar people use networking to get a job instead of flooding job sites with your resume. This is the effect of social power, which working class people to not have. Even after bombing an interview, Yale was able to get him a second interview even though he had no reason other than his network. Finding out info on different routes in law school was dependent on using your network so he just asked, everyone. He learned about social capitol when his professor told him to not take a position and instead to be himself and put his girlfriend above a path he did not really want. He ended up moving to Kentucky near where he grew up with his girlfriend. Being a hillbilly, he did not know how to get ahead and relied on others to teach him how to be successful.

His girlfriend called him a turtle as he withdrew at even the hint of a conflict as he did not know how to have relationships with others. She pushed back at him and he ended up yelling at her and started to realize he was becoming like his mother. When he got into a fight with his girlfriend, and he apologized, she did not know this was a surrender and that she should go in for the kill. She told him she accepted his apology because she did not learn to fight in the hillbilly culture. Her family had love and acceptance. Instead of a councilor, he figured out a lot of his issues in books and learned there are a lot of books about his issues. 40% of children in the working class had adverse childhood experiences where as only 30% in the white collar children. Being in constant fight or flight mode in childhood changes your brain to always be ready for this fight. Unstable homes create a vicious cycle. He worked through this by talking with his family members and learned that the successful ones in his family had to learn to not fight. He realized that everything was a fight in his family and that he needs to work hard to break this habit. However he had his girlfriend and she is able to help defuse him by learning to work with him and although he was getting better, two of him in one house would not be successful. All of his successful marriages he saw were with someone getting with someone from outside of their community and culture. He knew his life would require constant mental focus to have a calm and positive life. Looking at him mom's life with sympathy changed his perspective of her. Her parents drank and fought and it affected all of the kids differently. However some of her life choices are her fault, some of that requires her to buck up. He figured out his mom was addicted to heroin right before he graduated Yale law school he did not feel as happy as he should have been. He learned that being a hillbilly, you never knew the difference between love and war. He graduated, got married, moved to Cincinnati, and made it and achieved the american dream. However his old life drew him back in when his mom hit rock bottom again. He offered to help her and drove to a motel in the middle of the night on a Tuesday. His plan to give her money carefully and track it seemed similar to what his grandparents did for her previously.

The best way to look at his culture's problems is that you cannot fix them, but you can put your thumb on the scale a little bit. Although there were lots of issues with his family, his family is what allowed him to be successful. Although they were not constant good role models, they were what he needed when he needed it. All his successful family members had the support of at least one family member as well as mentors at work. Europe is better than America at allowing children to achieve the american dream. Also the south, rust belt, and Appalachia have the worst change at achieving the American dream. There is a lack of role models. Utah is one of the best places to achieve the american dream largely due to the Mormon religion. Social services do not look at families like a lot of minority and hillbilly families are and do not look at uncles, grandparents, etc as family and look at them like foster parents without certifications. We need to mix the rich and poor and not allow entire neighborhoods to be supported by section 8. Being successful in school is seen as feminine in the working class culture.

The upper class/rich/educates vs the working class/poor/uneducated have very different cultures. This is seem at Christmas where the rich spend less on Christmas presents and the price tag is not what makes it successful or not. Additionally they live longer, go to church more, are happier, etc. People lose contact with their parents not because they want to but because they have to to survive. Any chance those people have is with the people around them. We all need to wake up to this, especially the hillbillies. We need to help people find love and create engagement. Does our conduct help or hurt our children. How can the government help if we do nothing? We  broke all of this. We need to fix it. Stop blaming and look at what we can do to make things better. Are we becoming the monster?

The Book of Joy (Audio Book)

Very interesting listening to the Archbishop Desond Tutu, the 14th Dalai Lama, and a third Jewish guy Douglas Abrahams have conversations. This post is more a collection of thoughts. It might get edited to make some logical sense or I may wait until I read the book and write a different post.

The Dalai Lama is very interested in science and it is very interesting to learn how he listens to science and it seems his beliefs are based on science.

I really like listening to the archbishop talk as he has a very interesting and beautiful voice.

"I would rather go to hell as there are more people to help there"

Look at thing from others view points. Separate your mind from yourself.

Observe more and judge and form opinions less.

Meditate and think about stuff. A cat can sit quietly and not think about anything. Meditation is about reflection, separating yourself from this issue, thinking about thinks in different ways, from other people's perspectives, and thinking about things you normally do not think about. One perspective is your own but in the future.

Connect with people on the human level.

Have fun in life and laugh at yourself. Use humor to defuse situations.

Think about death.

Appreciate thing, be grateful for things. Write down instead of just thinking about them.

We are all connected.

Compassion is the most important thing to have.

There is a lot of talking about Nelson Mandela. His struggle and time in prison is the reason he was such an effective leader. He went to prison angry but learned to be calm and think of things from others perspectives while in prison.

Smile.

Life is broken and imperfect laugh to help accept this. Accept your human limitations. Accept the past and the reality of the situation. Suffering is inevitable and you need to suffer and struggle to find joy. Forgive yourself. You are a flawed human just like everyone else.

True joy comes from other people in deep loving relationships with others. It is not learned, it is lived.

Negative emotions come from 2 things. Too much focus on yourself and accepting reality as it appears. Need to think of others and look at reality from many different points of view (others, future, god's view).

The Alchemist (audio book)

I listened to half of this audio book at work and the other half at home. I believe I would get a lot more value out of listening to it again all in one sitting. The book was about a shepherd who was looking for the meaning to life and ended up selling his sheep to go to the Egyptian pyramids. He met people along the way who helped him and others who changed to path to his personal legend. He encounters all kinds of set backs and sees other making excuses for not achieving their personal legend. One individual not making progress was a crystal merchant, who he ended up working for, who was waiting for retirement before achieving his personal legend. The boy eventually got to the desert on the way to the pyramids and stopped in the oasis. There he had a dream of war coming to the oasis which ended up occurring. He ended up meeting the alchemist who helped him to figure out what his personal legend was and to teach him the was of the world. They ended up being robbed and gave up all of their money as it is "rare that money can save your life and that money is of no use if you are dead." The boy ended up talking to the wind and the sun to "become the wind". The boy finally got the the pyramids and started digging for treasure only to have his money stolen and his life threatened once again. He finally found the treasure. 

The boy was on a quest and did not allow what he was doing in life at the time to interfere with his goal of embarking on his personal legend. He also learned that being one with the universe is something anyone is able to do. He also learned that after he dies he will become one with the universe again. He learned the power of omens and how to tell which omens were important. He also learned from observing the lives of others what they were doing right but also what they were doing wrong. 

It was an interesting audio book but due to the fact that it was an audio book and not a real book I was not as connected to it and definitely missed out on some parts of the book. 

The Power of Now (audio book)

This is a fairly simple book but is a lot to take in. I definitely need to get a physical version of this book to look back at and to also slow down and think about certain sections.

The book talks mostly about living in the present. Everything happens in the present and the past and the future are just illusions and are not real. Pain is also an illusion and is simply your eagle mind resisting something it cannot change. You create all of the pain in your life. Observe your body and your eagle mind. You are simply an observer along for the ride. Just observe but do not judge.