Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Emotional intelligence is a difficult thing to measure, can be improved upon, and is better measure of
success than IQ.
Some guy almost got eaten by a shark and in this experience his emotions took over and prevented him
from acting like he wanted to. He was a victim to his emotions. This is because thoughts travel through
the limbic system, the unconscious emotional part of the brain, then travel through the frontal cortex,
the rational thinking part of the brain. In very intense situations, like getting attacked by a shark, it is
very difficult to fight through the flood of emotions and to think rationally.
Most people, 64% are unable “to accurately identify their emotions as they happen.” The five core
emotions this book identifies are: Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and shame. These emotions can
come in different levels of intensity, but we are constantly experiencing emotions. You will always
experience an emotional reaction to an event, but you can always control your thoughts and your
reaction to that emotional reaction.
Cognitive intelligence, IQ, is set and cannot be changed, except in traumatic events. Emotional
Intelligence, EQ, can be changed with effort. Personality is your “style” and like IQ, it cannot be changed.
The combination of these three traits help to explain why a person acts like they do. EQ “accounts for
58% of performance in all types of jobs.” “90% of high performers have high EQ. “As a result, people
with high EQ make more money. So now you can justify paying Talent Smart lots of money to help you
improve your EQ.
Remember that your brain can change, so practicing these EQ techniques will literally change your brain
and make it easier to do these things long term as they become habits.
EQ can be split up into 2 categories each having 2 subcategories. There is personal competency, which is
determined by self-awareness and self-management, and there is social competency, which is
determined by social awareness and relationship management. The rest of the book is split up into 4
sections to discuss each subcategory in more detail.
Self-Awareness
“Self-awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions and understand your
tendencies…” To understand your emotions, you must spend enough time thinking about and feeling
your emotions. It is also very important to realize and understand your own emotional mistakes and
reflect on them to understand what you should do differently next time. This thinking and feeling will
cause your self-awareness to increase as you start to understand why you do and feel the things you do.
Once you develop self-awareness, each other part of EQ will improve as well, and it will be easier to
improve on the other areas as well. Self-awareness is a continuous journey and will prevent emotions
from resurfacing when you do not expect them. Below are the strategies for improving self-awareness.
 Quit treating your feelings as good or bad
o Judging emotions keeps you from fully understanding them. Good or bad, hard to say; a
Taoist parable.

 Observe the ripple effect of your emotions
o Who else is affected by your emotions. Even those not directly impacted are affected.
Watch to see how wide the ripples are.

 Learn from your discomfort
o Do not avoid your discomfort, this will result in the emotion coming back at an
unexpected time. The discomfort it not as bad as your mind makes it seems and you can
learn from this discomfort.
 Feel your emotions physically
o When you are in a calm space notice how your body is, heart rate, breathing, muscle
tenseness, body temp, etc. Then think of a negative event in enough detail that you
start to feel your body change. Then come back to the neutral relaxed reality. Then do
the same for a positive event. Take note of these changes so you can better understand
how you are reacting in the real world. You are likely going to be physically aware
before you are mentally aware.
 Know who and what pushes your buttons
o Understand the people, situations, and environments that push your buttons.
Understanding this will prevent this button pushing from surprising you. From
understanding what you can start to understand why. This will help you have better
responses.
 Watch yourself like a hawk
o Look at yourself from a hawk’s perspective. Be an objective observer. Slow down and
allow your brain to gather all the data before reacting. The Dalai Lama, who has a quote
on the front of this book, would also urge you to see things from even more
perspectives such as; the perspective of the other person, the future, the past, and
more.

 Keep a journal about your emotions
o Record what events triggered your emotions and your response to these emotions. Also
record your physical responses. This will help you improve on the previous 3 points.

 Don’t be fooled by a bad mood
o Understand you are stuck in a bad mood and remember this when making decisions.
Remember that it will pass.
 Don’t be fooled by a good mood
o Understand you are stuck in a good mood and remember this when making decisions.
 Stop and ask yourself why you do the things you do
o This is related to journaling about emotions. Asking yourself why you do things will help
you trace your emotions back to its origin and will help you understand why you felt this
emotion.
 Visit your values
o Take a piece of paper and write down your values on one side and your reactions you
feel negatively about on the other. Why is the misalignment? What could have you done
differently?
 Check yourself

o Check your physical appearance and understand what it is saying to others.
 Spot emotions in books, movies, and music
o Watch for things that resonate with you. These may be emotions that you are having a
difficult time expressing.

 Seek Feedback
o You do not see the world as it is. Understanding how others view the world, and in this
case you, can help shape your view for the better and sometimes allow you to see more
of the world/you. When asking for feedback, get specific examples and situations.

 Get to know yourself under stress
o Is your body crying out for a break? Are you listening?

Self-Management
Self-management is using your self-awareness to chose how you react to a situation. This is difficult to
apply to many situations and not fading over time. “Real results come from putting your momentary
needs on hold to pursue larger, more important goals.” You cannot simply choose to not react,
otherwise, like a volcano, you will explode. You can only choose to respond to an emotion if you know
what emotion you are feeling. High self-management will prevent you from experiencing emotional
hijacking. Below are the strategies for improving self-management.
 Breath Right
o Take a deep breath to flood your body with oxygen. This may help calm you down as
well.

 Create an Emotion vs. Reason List
o When your emotions and reason are not aligned, draw a line down a piece of paper and
write what your emotions are telling you to do on one side and reason on the other. Ask
where emotions are clouding reason and why are you ignoring some emotions. Then
decide which side should have more say.

 Make your Goals Public
o Use others and their opinions of you to keep you accountable.
 Count to 10
o All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. Allow your
frontal cortex to catch up and flood your brain with oxygen.

 Sleep on it
o Time helps you gain perspective and allows you to better control your emotions.
Dreaming can also help.
 Talk to a Skilled Self-Manager
o Talk about your goals and ask them for tactics they use. Write down things you will do
then meet with them again.

 Smile and Laugh More

o Smiling is one of the ways you can win friends and influence people according to Dale
Carnegie. Smiling and laughing will also help you feel better. Find what makes you smile
and laugh ad use it when necessary.
 Set Aside Some Time in your Day for Problem Solving
o Take a break to think
 Take Control of Your Self-Talk
o The average person has 50,000 thoughts each day. It is easy to not realize that this
constant thinking is occurring and affecting your mood. Change (always, never) into
(sometimes, this time). Don’t judge, just state facts. Accept responsibility for your
actions and only your actions.
 Visualize Yourself Succeeding
o Be like Russel Wilson. Your brain has a difficult time perceiving the difference between
what you see and what you visualize. Use this to your advantage to help build habits and
feel better about yourself.
 Clean Up Your Sleep Hygiene
o Sleep better. Get sunlight before noon, no blue light for 2 hours before bed, only sleep
in your bed, avoid caffeine.

 Focus Your Attention on Your Freedoms, Rather than Your Limitations
o Change your perspective.
 Stay Synchronized
o If you are managing your emotions, your body language will match your emotional tone.
If you notice you lack control of your body language, you are likely not controlling your
emotions.

 Speak to Someone Who is NOT Emotionally Invested in Your Problem
o This will widen your perspective. It may be frustrating in the sort term but is worth it in
the long term.

 Learn a Valuable Lesson from Everyone You Encounter
o Acting like everyone has something to teach you will allow you to be more flexible, open
minded, and less stressed. Think from their perspective and compare to your own and
see what you learn.

 Put a Mental Recharge into Your Schedule
o Use physical activity as a mental recharge. Yoga, gardening, waking, and other low stress
activities are also good options.
 Accept That Change is Just Around the Corner
o Understand all that is out of your control and take time to think about what would
happen if something were to change. How would you react? Thinking about this can
help you to prepare for a significant change.

Social Awareness

Social awareness is your ability to read the emotions of others. Using this allows you to react in a more
productive way. To build this you will need to observe others from near and far. Understanding body
language, facial expressions, postures, and tone and speed of voice are crucial. Below are the strategies
for improving social awareness.
 Greet People by Name
o Another section inspired by Dale “Their name is the most important word to them.” “It
is a personal and meaningful way to engage someone.” Remembering names is a
memorization activity that can be worked at. Use their name at least twice in the initial
conversation. Also use creativity to memorize something creative that will help you
remember their name and attach that memory to their face.

 Watch Body Language
o Read their body language looking at their entire body. I suggest What Everybody is
Saying by Joe Navarro over this section.

 Make Timing Everything
o Ask yourself questions, think from the other person’s perspective, and visualize the
response.

 Develop a Back-Pocket Question
o Have an appropriate question that will spark conversation in your back pocket incase a
conversation ends up in a lull.
 Don’t Take Notes at Meetings
o When you are taking notes, you lose the ability to ready people’s physical reactions and
only hear what they are saying. It also causes you to multitask. You will be more
engaged if you sit, listen, and watch.

 Plan Ahead for Social Gatherings
o Planning allows your brain to be freer to allow you to be in the present. Write down
who is coming, what talking points will be, and visualize. This will allow you to have a
better time and the others there will enjoy their interactions with you more.

 Clear Away the Clutter
o Focus on them to stop your internal voice, listen to them instead of thinking of your
response, make sure they are completely finished before you start talking.

 Live in the Moment
o Live in the present and practice mindfulness.
 Go on a 15 Minute Tour
o Each day take a different 15 minute tour of your life. Watch the other people, what they
are doing, and what the mood is. Focus on what is happening and just observe, do not
judge.

 Watch EQ at the Movies

o Movies are better than real life because you can stare, you are not emotionally invested,
and there are fewer distractions. When watching movies, observe character interaction,
relationships, and conflicts. Watch the non-verbal cues. Rewind to previous sections to
see what about the characters and relationships you missed the first time.

 Practice the Art of Listening
o Listening requires focus on what is being said, tone, volume, and speed. Remove
distractions and focus only on listening.

 Go People Watching
o Go somewhere socially acceptable to people watch, coffee shop, mall, airport, etc. Use
people’s nonverbal communication to guess their emotions, mood, feelings, and
thoughts.

 Understand the Rules of the Culture Game
o In any new environment whether office, house, state, or country, observe and learn to
understand what is and is not acceptable. Also ask questions that will help you further
understand. Treat others how they want to be treated (stolen from The Platinum Rule).

 Test for Accuracy
o When you cannot read a situation, or you notice content and actions not matching, ask
a tactful question to better understand the situation. This will help you to determine
where you are missing something and if you are making assumptions incorrectly.

 Step into Their Shoes
o If I were ( ), how would I react to this? Use past knowledge of the person to help you
understand what their answer would be. If you are comfortable enough, ask the person
or watch them in a similar situation.

 Seek the Whole Picture
o You can pay Talent Smart a lot of money to allow others to share their opinions of you
to help you see the whole picture instead of just your perspective of it. Otherwise you
can just ask others.
 Catch the Mood of the Room
o Once you can read individuals, you are ready to begin the challenge of reading an entire
room. Watch for emotions to spread across the room and notice if people are
interacting with each other, if people are looking at you or did not notice you walk in. If
you are unsure you can bring another person who is good at this to help you by
comparing ideas after you leave the room. Watching for and understanding shifts will
help you to better deal with the room of people.

Relationship Management
Relationship management involves using your own knowledge, awareness, and control of your own
emotions as well as understanding the emotions of others to manage interactions successfully.
Relationships are built over time based on how you understand people, how you treat them, and the
history you share. The stronger a relationship, the easier it is to get someone to do something for you.
The difference between an interaction and a relationship is frequency. Stress is the biggest challenge for
relationship management. All relationships take work even though some good ones are easy initially.
Below are the strategies for improving social awareness.
 Be Open and Curious
o Being more open with others lessens the change of someone misinterpreting you. You
also need to be curious about others as well. This is the key to starting to form a
relationship with someone.
 Enhance Your Natural Communication Style
o On a piece of paper, identify what your communication style is. Below this split the page
in half and write the positives and negatives of this communication style. Do not be
afraid to ask others for their input. Based on your list, work on your weakest 3 and
remember your strongest 3.
 Avoid Giving Mixed Signals
o Make sure what you say and how you say it match. Not matching this creates confusion
and distrust. If you catch yourself not matching, adjust or explain why.

 Remember the Little Things That Pack a Big Punch
o Say “please” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” more.
 Take Feedback Well
o Feedback it meant to help you see something that you may not be able to see yourself.
Focus to hear exactly what is being said, ask clarifying questions if necessary, and thank
the person for providing the feedback. Use your own judgement on how to react to the
feedback. Taking it seriously will help your relationship.

 Build Trust
o Trust is built slowly over time through open communication; willingness to share;
matching words, actions and behavior; and reliability. Building trust requires time and
trust, so do not worry about trust being built too slowly.

 Have an “Open-Door” Policy
o Allowing anyone to talk to anyone at any level. This should help improve relationships
with others. It can stretch you too thin if you do not have a clearly defined plan and
times.
 Only Get Mad on Purpose
o Anger should not be stifled or ignored, instead it should be managed and used
purposefully to get results and enhance relationships. Make a list of what gets you angry
and to what extent. Determine when you should show this anger. Adjust when based on
others and your reading of the situation.

 Don’t Avoid the Inevitable
o When you need to work with others that you do not like suck it up and do not put it off.
Meet with them early and use the divide and conquer method if possible. Also realize
that you likely bug the other person just as much as they bug you. When you get
annoyed, remember the goal. Also, when you complete the project, look back at what
you have accomplished.
 Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings
o Acknowledge the persons feelings without judging and listen to them and offer support.
 Complement the Person’s Emotions or Situation
o Listen, be present, put yourself in their shoes, identify where they are at emotionally,
and choose an appropriate and complementary response. Focus on noticing moods and
be there in a helpful way.
 When you Care, Show It
o When people do great work, show that you care by giving them a thoughtful physical
gift. Do not put it off. The gift means much more when it is given immediately.

 Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them
o When you need to make decisions, the best thing is to get input from others. The next
best thing is to explain why the decisions have been made and listen to their input. The
worst is to make the change without telling anyone.

 Make Your Feedback Direct and Constructive
o Giving feedback is a relationship building event that requires EQ to be effective.
Feedback is meant to address the problem, not the person. It should be clear, direct,
constructive, and respectful. Think about the person receiving the feedback to
determine how direct you should be. Ask the person their thoughts and thank them for
listening.

 Align Your Intentions with Your Impact
o Think of a situation where your words and actions did not match your intent. On paper,
describe the event, your intentions, your actions, and the actual impact. Write what you
did not understand and what you see looking back. Ask what you missed or what you
could have done differently, asking others for their input as well.

 Offer a “Fix-it” Statement During a Broken Conversation
o When a discussion breaks into a disagreement, it is time to refocus and fix it. Let go of
blame and just focus on resolution. Fix it statements must be made in a neutral tone
and find common ground.
 Tackle a Tough Conversation
o Prepare to take the high road, do not be defensive, and remain open. Remember, if this
goes well it can help strengthen your relationship.
 Start with agreement
 Ask the person to help you understand their side
 Resist the urge to plan a rebuttal
 Help the person understand your side
 Move the conversation forward

 Keep in touch

The Sun Does Shine (Audio book)

The sun does shine is a book about a poor black man in Alabama who is found guilty of 2 murders and is placed on death row for over 20 years. In the book the author shares the racism of the Alabama justice system as well as the need for money to accomplish anything in the justice system. When the author is first put on death row and his appeals are going poorly he shares how he lost faith in God and how he became so negative that he did not talk to anyone other than his family and friends on visiting days. However after 3 years he realized that everything was a choice and his choice to not talk to anyone and to be very negative was also negatively affecting him. Around this time he realized that he could use his imagination to escape death row and be wherever he wanted to be. While on death row he made friends with a man who he later learned was the son of a very high level man in the KKK. He also brought joy to the guards and other prisoners and eventually came up with the idea to start a book club in prison. This club eventually lost all of its members as they were killed by the state of Alabama and the same guards who brought him his breakfast. However the books stayed in the prison and prisoners had book club meetings in their cells shouting from cell to cell. The author's case was finally heard by the supreme court and they unanimously voted that he deserved a new trial. However before the case was tried again, the state of Alabama dropped the case and released him from prison after almost 30 years. However by the time he was released his mom had passed away and he was in his 50s with no money and no retirement savings. However he was able to forgive everyone who wrongly convicted him because otherwise they would still have him trapped if he had not forgiven them. The book was very interesting and seemed much more powerful when being read by the author instead of the voice inside of my head.